I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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