my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize