dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
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i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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