sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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