I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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