The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Someone came in the potted fern
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
