i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
