I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
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He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
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Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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