Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
