i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize