Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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