So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
