So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
