he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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