Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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