Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
