I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
