I hate your face
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Randomize
