based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
