There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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