My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
