he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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