He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
These 17 People Made Horrible Decisions That Ruined Their Lives
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
Every concussion has its silver lining
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.