I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
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I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
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Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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