dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
