i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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