You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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