The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
