saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.