im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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