so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
