I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
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Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
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She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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