Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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