I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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