i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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