Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
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If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
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We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
How many fucks given?
0.12846
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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