I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
