Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
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NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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