Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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