I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad