the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Everclear isn't food dammit
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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