yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
