forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
