I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
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I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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