I puked a lego.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
