Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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