In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
