At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
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lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
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When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The uberlube is also flammable
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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