I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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