apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
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i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
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We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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