I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
